三万英尺不哭

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Freud said, dream is the acitivity of our unconscious which reflects our unfulfilled wishes or somthing like that. I believe in part of it. I agree that men have unconscious and the unconscious is active when we are sleeping, sometimes, what i can't get in reality can be fulfilled in dreams, but there are other times when we dream of things that we think it's impossible in real life.

Recently, I've been indirectly involved in a relationship. A friend of mine was troubled by a love affair that he was quite distressed. I happened to become his listener. He told me the story about he and the girl he pursued. As i knew more, I felt his pain during that period. I tried my best to comfort him and told him that the girl was not worthy of his sorrow, though I barely knew the girl. But I sensed i was not quite pleased with this girl, her excuses, her hidden of the relationship from her family and many things that she did to hurt my friend's feeling. But suddenly I realized, if this was a punishment for me, to hear the sorrow of a boy who was not fairly treated because he devoted to this relationship totally. Why I say it was punishment? Because this was exactly what I did to another boy who truly cared about me. Once i thought he was the only one who cared me from the bottom of his heart besides my faimly and close friend. But I hurt him, in the exactly the same way the girl hurt my friend. I felt pitiful for him, but at the same time, I felt guilty. I never had the courage to tell my friend what had i done because I was afraid he might mad at me because he might think I am the same as the girl, maybe he would think all the girls or women are alike. Though I've thought about every way to defense myself, to tell him I was different from the girl who hurt him, the fact remained as the most tangible evidence-- he was hurt by the exact way i hurt that boy. The girl had a little feelings for the boy from the very start, and the feeling was gone with the passing time; the girl lied to the boy about she didn't like him anymore and be with him just because he was so nice to her; the girl hid from her parents about their acquaintance which hurt the boy deeply; the girl dealt with the boy carelessly because some reality elements; the girl broke with the boy with an excuse even herself could buy it... This is the girl, this was me.

From my friend, I could say how deep I had hurt the boy who really cared about me, but I was not strong enough to accept all the things about him. I don't even know whether my feelings about him could be described as love, but I could garentee that I was as devoted as him when I fell for him.

For some time, I resented him because what he did after we were apart, but when all the things becoming vague and small, only remains in my memory, I feels more of guilty than resentment. Some times I would think of many what if, but there's no what if in reality.

Recently, I often dreamt about him, maybe out of guilt or something, every time when I wake up, it feels so real, maybe I also miss him a little, after all, the time spent with him was one of my happiest time and I'm not sure whether I could find another person who cares me that much. Maybe my subconscious won't allow me to let go of him, but I need to, like what I've said, I'm not materialistic but realistic.

I'd better treasure this memory as a paerl in my life and hope to find someone who cares about me that much, but be more real